Of Double-Standards

Inspired by a story shared by a friend… And sadly, countless other stories.

She slept with you, so therefore it’s ok for you to treat her like crap, you don’t need her anymore, and she’s probably a slut who sleeps with everyone. Or maybe you treated her nice but then got bored and so you tell her some bullshit lie and move on, assuming that she’ll be fine. Eventually she will be. Or not, but who cares? And you live like that, leaving a trail of scarred humans, who will carry those experiences into their new relationships, always afraid, that the same thing is going to happen… Again. In turn, they might hurt others, people who don’t deserve it, just because they can’t allow themselves to love again. Because how can they forgive themselves for making those same, bad judgement calls over and over? How many lessons do you need before you finally learn? And what’s the lesson? And who hurt you in a way that made you the way that you are?

That is what I find so frustrating about this narrative. There isn’t a villain on either side of the fence. We do it to each other constantly. Girl breaks a guys heart, so he breaks ten others, and they break mens’ hearts, and so on, and on, and on, the vicious cycle goes. And the other way around. Maybe it all starts with the parents.

Some men I spoke to, who consider themselves progressive and feminist told me that it’s the women’s fault. How ironic. Quote „Women just want the bad boys. They chase after assholes and they reject the nice guy because it’s too easy”. Guess who is the nice guy in that statement? The sentence itself is only partially true. It assumes that you can put all women in one category that wants the same exact thing and poor you, just can’t figure out what it is that they want? What do these women want? Well, what do humans want? Humans want to be loved and cared for, but also want to feel good about themselves, they like to be successful… You know, lotsa stuff that has not much to do with dating. And yet it has everything to do with dating. You don’t want to be living with someone whose ambitions or passions or interests don’t match yours. So as a „nice” guy, what do you bring to the table? How far have you really gone out of your way to show her that you care? Can you give her what she needs? Did you take the time to figure out what it is that she, specifically needs, to be able to give it to her? Maybe you didn’t, because you don’t really care and the „nice guy” is just a facade to cover up the fact, that really, you’re not much different from the „assholes”?

Now, what defines an asshole is another matter. One of my friends recently posted a story on Facebook about this guy she met for drinks at a bar. Straight away, he told her  all he was seeking was sex, she told him she wasn’t interested, and so he left. After 10 minutes apparently. Ok. Not the nicest thing to hear or do, but at least he was honest? I mean, of course women shouldn’t be treated as just sexual objects, so the fact that you even feel like it’s ok to say something like that is a problem, but you’re not trying to play anyone at least? From my experience, it’s far better to hear that sort of thing right away, because then you can just move on, as if nothing ever happened. Because it didn’t. You were made a proposition that you either took or refused and no harm was done. It is far more devious to trick somebody into thinking you care for them, and then after you got what you wanted tell them the truth. Well kind of truth, because  really: it’s not the truth. The truth was, you just wanted to fuck, now you have to make up a story that doesn’t make you seem like an asshole. Which you are. Definition: „I’m being honest, I’m not looking for a relationship and I don’t want you to feel like you’ve been used”. Can you say that again please? You went out with me a bunch of  times and slept with me and now you’re telling me you’re not looking for a relationship, but you didn’t want to use me? That is the definition of using someone!

And honestly sometimes when I heard that kind of stuff I really wondered… And maybe that’s just me, having too much faith in humanity, but could it be possible, they really didn’t realize what they were doing? Or maybe they just weren’t thinking about it because the penis was doing all the thinking? But that doesn’t make it ok, does it? Because I’m still locked up in my bathroom two weeks later, crying over something silly like: spilling my tea. Because the truth is I’m hurting all over. I’m disappointed, sad, angry. Yet, I’m not allowed to express that. I’m not allowed to be angry or hurt. I certainly can’t show it. Because I was never allowed to care in the first place. We’re only supposed to care when the guy cares. If he shows up and tells you he has feelings for you and you reject him, you’re a bitch who didn’t want the „nice” guy. That probably means you’re superficial, and only chase after attractive douches, because it is not possible, that you simply don’t reciprocate his feelings. So we’re forced to be strong and indestructible, after you told us we were just a piece of ass you messed around with, but if you tell us you want us, we’re supposed to fall at your feet and be vulnerable and gentle „I’ve found my hero, now I can be the distressed damsel I’ve always craved to be”. We’re women. We are made to love. I don’t care how many females broke your heart, I am yet to meet a woman who doesn’t ultimately seek love. That doesn’t always mean a committed relationship. But you won’t have a conversation, or try to understand. You get a hint of feeling and you run away because it scares you. You took the love when you wanted it, and it made you feel good as it always does, but giving something back? Hell no, got too much sperm to put into other uteruses.

 

To Be Continued…

In the next rant: dating, men, women, sex and double standards.

Women Are Storytellers Too!

I’ll be honest. This is not my first attempt at writing a blog. The reason why it didn’t work out for me before was… Well, I wasn’t quite sure what I wanted to talk about. My rants would usually be inconsistent, depending on my moods. The non-existing writing schedule would soon dissipate and after a while I would just move on with my life. New project, new idea, go. I do however, hope that this time will be a little different. Mainly because at 23 I have a slightly better idea of what I think about the world. I have no illusions, or maybe I have many. I know my knowledge is very limited, but if people I admire allowed lack of experience to stop them from doing what they wanted to do, some of the greatest novels might never have been published. And the world would be a little sadder for it. I also finally figured out that writing is something that I really wish to dedicate myself to. It wasn’t an easy decision to make. The writing industry is probably one of the most challenging ones to enter right now. With the increasing number of people writing and publishing, and a decreasing number of people interested in reading, the competition is fierce. Fighting for the attention, when the attention span of an average adult is 8 seconds, can get a little too intense. But maybe that’s why it is so important to try? I don’t want to live in the world where all stories are shared in 140 characters or less. Maybe it’s the fear of change. Change is supposedly good for us, but is all change great? I don’t think it is. I would like to see my kids (if I ever have them) grow up in a world where books are not only seen in museums. I don’t want my kids to depend on other people’s imagination to be able to see stories that are being told. I would like them to be able to use their imagination. Especially since I’ve seen a couple of shows recently released for kids and I swear they are trying to make the little ones completely incapable of any sort of thinking. I mean, have you seen „Titans Go!”?

There is also another thing. The issue that actually pushed me to try and get into this whole blog scene. Since I wish to be a writer, I know I have to write. That’s the easiest step, though sometimes it seems like the hardest. Blogging is good practice, at least. But that’s besides the point. The thing is: in my desire to educate myself on the subject, I started researching and looking for people to look up to. I typed „best TV writers” in my google search engine. The list was long, but what I noticed and what put me up to this, was the fact that it consisted predominantly of men. It’s no secret that Hollywood is still very much dominated by men. And it upsets me. I find it hard to believe that women have no stories to tell or no talent to do so. Of course, some ladies did make it to the list: Jane Espenson, Mindy Kaling, Tina Fey and some others. The imbalance between the genders really stands out though. I thought to myself: „maybe it’s just a TV and film thing? Maybe it’s just Hollywood?” I thought that, knowing I would soon find it wasn’t just a Hollywood thing. After typing „best novelists of all time” I saw a similar disproportion. The ladies that made the list were the classics we all know about: Jane Austen, Bronte sisters, Virginia Woolf. Here at least Jane Austen made number one on the list, although I am not sure what puts a name in the front listing in a google search. It went further. I looked for bloggers. Quick link: 10 most inspiring bloggers in the world. ALL MEN. Really? You’re telling me that there’s not one female blogger out there who deserves to make that list? Are we all only capable of writing about fashion? Are our opinions and thoughts not inspiring? And who makes those lists? I want to know who decided that out of the gazillion blogs written by women none are inspiring enough to make that list? No way! I refuse to accept that! Women are not just fashionistas and we don’t just want to talk about boys.

To summarize my point: I would like to hear more female voices in the world of storytelling, before the art of writing becomes a thing of the past. And I wish to be one of the voices, heard in the narrative. Women have stories to tell. Women have personalities, imaginations and beating hearts. Women are educated and smart. Women need to be heard. If the majority of stories we see and read are told by men, it’s no wonder why so many struggle to understand women. We’re not portrayed as human beings. Most of the time women are plot devices, love interests, sexual objects, and hardly ever real people. If the stories we tell are all about boys and never about girls, is it any wonder, that kids grow up thinking: it’s a man’s world? After all, we all seem to agree, it would be nothing… Without a woman or a girl.

So, here’s my attempt at contributing to that. I’ll write to the best of my ability and do my best to get my voice heard, take full advantage of the opportunity that was created by those, who fearlessly fought for equal rights.

In all of this, I would hate to be seen as a raging feminist, so let me put a little disclaimer right here: I don’t hate men. I love them. I have a dad, I have a boyfriend and there’s many men that I look up to in my life. And my main focus isn’t going to be an issue of feminism. My main focus is still: telling stories and telling my story. My story just happens to be one of a girl living in a world that still belongs to men, who wishes to live in a world, that belongs to everybody.

Please share your thoughts with me! I love a good discussion. Plus, if you comment, that means you made it through this whole post and that’s impressive!