Of Christmas

Hello. I know it’s been a very long time since my last post and I wish I could say that I spent it writing a novel. But that would only partially be true. Or even not true at all, depending on how you look at it. Either way, my absence has been caused by events and circumstances far less positive than I would wish them to be.

It’s Christmas though and I thought to myself: „Maybe it’s time I wrote something about what I’m going through. Maybe that would make me feel better”. So here it goes.

I feel a lot like Cindy Lou. I look around and see the Christmas lights and the Christmas tree and I try so hard to remember what it felt like when it was the most magical time of the year. A time when anything was possible. I can still recall the excitement I felt before Christmas Eve, when I knew that under that tree would be a wish come-true. And it wasn’t so long ago, that I looked expectantly at my pups, waiting for them to talk to me at midnight. Now, things don’t feel so bright.

First of all, my wishes have become far too complex for Santa to be able to keep up with the list. It’s not about a new Barbie doll, not even about that new PS4 I would love to have in my possession. It’s more about: „Santa, Jesus, whoever… Can you please make it so grandpa sits back in his spot on the couch… Can we sing Christmas Carols together again?” or „Santa, can you please erase the memories of T.? I can’t stand to think about him anymore. He’s not coming back. I know we are not going to get back together like we would in a Christmas flick, so can you make it so I don’t wait pointlessly for my phone to ring? I just want him to tell me he misses me. Actually I don’t, no wait, I do, no please don’t let him call me, just make him call me.”

So you see, Santa may have a very hard time making all those wishes come true. And I’m scared that, when in my depressed state I imagined myself jumping of a bridge so many times it feels more like a memory, and makes life so unreal it seems like I’m constantly dreaming or hallucinating, I may have killed that child in me that believed in Christmas magic. But there is no such thing as Christmas magic. And I’m saying that now, still scared that by stating it, I’m slaughtering something hidden deep inside of me. Does the fact that December 25th has become just another date in a calendar, mean that I’m a grown up now? Does the fact that the bell from Polar Express makes no sound to my ears, mean that I have officially entered into adulthood? I don’t think so… It just makes life a little less… Magical. I still don’t have all my stuff together, my priorities straight or no idea what I’m actually doing. Where I’m going.

So… Yeah. I wish Christmas came back in full force. I want the Christmas lights to turn back into promises of joy instead of commercial, overly expensive reminders of the fact that we need to go shopping and spend money and fuel the economy so the rich can get richer and the poor can… remain poor with some more useless stuff in their homes. I want to believe that magical things can happen, even if it’s not people coming back from the dead (because let’s be honest, that would be terrifying) or people who never appreciated you when they had the chance, coming back into our lives with promises of everlasting love (they probably wouldn’t keep past December).

So what is there left to wish for? Well… Love. Not necessarily the romantic kind, even though as a romantic I always put that on my Christmas wishlist. But love among mankind. I want to turn on the news and hear that people have donated outrageous amounts of money to those in need, instead of buying new iPhones they really don’t need. That will probably not happen either but… It’s a worthwhile wish, isn’t it?

I for myself will try to resurrect my Christmas joy and instead of mourning the passing of a loved one, appreciate the people I still have in my life. Instead of wishing for a lost love, wish for a new love, hopefully one that will stay and be true. Instead of contemplating suicide, try and look forward to the future, because I still don’t know what it might bring. And perhaps, it will be magical?

Merry Christmas!


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