Of Fears & Beasts

I fear, that not everybody is meant to be successful in any given thing. It’s not even based on how good or skilled you are. There’s something else you need, and God only knows what that something is. People try all their lives and never get there. Maybe they get something else, I don’t know. You can’t plan your future but at the same time you have to, futile as it may be. Knowing that, puts me in a state of complete resignation. I don’t want to do anything. I feel so overwhelmed with the magnitude of things I’m going through right now. Going back home, packing, figuring out what to take with me, what to leave behind. Starting a new life. Trying to stay true to my passion with all the fears and doubts that come with it. I thought that if I started this blog and started writing more, it would make me feel better, but the reality is, half of the time I don’t even know what I’m writing. When people ask me what my blog is about, I can’t seem to find an answer. Is it because it’s about nothing? And with this constant silent noise of the internet, how and why would anyone hear this unskillfully formulated whisper?  I’ve been trying to make some progress in the moving department, to get at least some of that pressure off my chest. The truth is, most of that stuff is still where it was and I don’t feel like I’m getting any closer to being ready to leave with only three weeks left to go. And I don’t really know why I’m writing about this right now, because honestly, who cares? One girl dealing with her 1st world problems. I’m not even here to write about things that are important. About what feels like an overwhelming flood of violence, sweeping through the world right now. The turbulence of the times we happen to live in, and the sheer helplessness of my generation. We grew up in so much comfort and were told that everything was going to be ok, but no matter how you slice it, things don’t look so well and it doesn’t look like they are improving much. If anything they are getting worse. People like me, sit in front of their computers or smartphones, typing away their opinions but those opinions have no voice. They’re just letters, scribbled upon a screen that signify nothing. There’s no power in that form of expression, since anyone and everyone is able to do the same thing. Not to mention, most of those opinions are restricted to a 140 word minimum, because attention span smaller then a goldfish #depressing.

I just spoke on the phone with my best friend back home and she told me how things are looking in Poland. Fascists in the government. Police can legally using force on a peaceful demonstration. All democratic rights slowly taken away from us. People allow it, because they are scared. Scared of the ISIS threat. The horror of Islam. The painted devil. On top of that a calm group of white middle-aged men, who do think that we should absolutely use guns against the gays, and the blacks, and the browns and anyone who is different, because different makes me feel uncomfortable. Women’s rights? That’s funny, go back to the kitchen, lady! But there is something to it isn’t there? The fear seems to be far less crippling here in the US, but it still exists and it’s presence is strong. Police violence against African American community, Donald Trump spewing his fascists statements with thousands applauding him. Where are we going with this? That’s what puzzles me most. Through the study of history (and I don’t claim to be no scholar in that department, closer to being a moron but I do know a thing or two) we can clearly see the patterns we’re going through. Much like me in my love life, we seem to continually make the same mistakes, over and over again, without figuring out where we went wrong and actually fixing anything. With all the technological advancements, there is still a war going on within us and in this world. Whether you call it good and evil, God and satan… Whatever. It’s right there in front of you, and while we pretend it doesn’t exist, it slithers and moves forward.  That beast is feasting again. And we’re the ones who feed it.

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